FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
RE: Federal Grand Jury Issues Multi-Count Indictment
A Federal Grand Jury, earlier today, issued a multi-count indictment authorizing Federal prosecutors to move forward with charges against one, Kris Kringle a/k/a Santa Claus. This follows a thorough Federal investigation into the questionable activities of Mr. Kringle.
One Federal Investigator, speaking anonymously (for obvious reasons), said that the Feds have been closely monitoring the activities of Mr. Kringle for quite some time now. When last seen, Mr. Kringle was frequenting a local shopping mall and filling young childrens’ minds with false hopes and empty promises.
Although full coverage of the charges being brought against Mr. Kringle are still pending, this source has confirmed that said charges include the following:
- Multiple counts of trespassing;
- Multiple counts of breaking and entering;
- The possession and distribution of controlled substances aka “Magic Flying Dust”;
- Violation of fair labor practices;
- Violation of animal rights;
- Violation of international air space;
- Violation of numerous Privacy Acts (Apparently Mr. Kringle knows when you are sleeping and when you are awake. And even if you have been naughty or nice. That’s just plain creepy.); and
- Tax evasion.
Speaking through his attorney, Mr. Kringle has denied any wrong doing and said that it appears that “I’m not the only one keeping a list.”
More to follow as developments occur.